I realize why I have been so hesitate for my research project. It is related to my issue about identity. And today I realize where all this crisis came from.
Yes, it is about the change of environment, life, culture...etc. All these have only reinforced this situation. But the problem has always been there. So it must be something about me, about the working of my brain and my personality.
I think one of the factors is "greed", or "ambition".
I am reading Immanuel Kant's "The Critique of Judgment" recently. It is related to our last general theory forum's topic about the beauty and the sublime. Because of my poor knowledge in philosophy, reading this book is a real challenge. Not totally understood, I am only overwhelmed to find how different concepts there are associated with "aesthetics". At least in Chinese, there is only one word for "beauty". Maybe this is why I got confused firstly. And because of the general use of this word in Chineses, I am quite doubtful of the value of "beauty" - it makes me feel shallow regardless how important quality it seems to me in my design practice. Because of this doubt, I become unsure of my studying graphic design. Is it just about making things look "beautiful"? Here I am using this term "beautiful" in a general sense. Reading the western philosophy reminds me that there are different levels of "beauty".
I guess if I am to become a designer, I should really treat "beauty" more seriously and critically.
It is also justified in this book that: the pursuit of beauty is for the feeling of pleasure; and the aesthetic judgment is subjective.
They seem quite common sense, but I just started to wonder, what construct the principles of my aesthetic judgment? Why are those qualities bring me pleasure? So I started tracing it down, and found that those factors and influences is very much Eastern (Chinese) way of thinking, and can totally reflect my personality. Just before I get too immersed in all the "western civilization" that I studied (and lived) recently, the understanding of this fact suddenly clear up my mind. I guess the greed and ambition to understand a whole large different system of knowledge makes me become confused, lost, and even doubtful of my identity and beliefs. This is what makes me hesitate and even to make wrong aesthetic judgments. Because I don't trust myself.
I think I am not far from deciding my research subject now.
